Introduction & Safety Guidelines

Introduction

Welcome to Lemon Biscuit Taco Co. Airlines! We are a company dedicated to your safety and happiness. We provide flights to a multitude of places–Death Valley? The bottom of the Grand Canyon? A bog somewhere in the middle of England? The choice is yours! The flights may feel 175 hours long, but don’t worry! It’s not just you! They are, in fact, 175 hours long. Of course, it’ll be a smooth flight. You’ll get used to the turbulence about 6 hours in. 

But wait! That’s not where the luxury ends! Having a long wait at the airport? Not to worry! Our state-of-the-art airport is designed for maximum comfort: approximately 1” x 1” x 1” large, made with sturdy cardboard. I estimated that my brain would be able to fit snugly. 

Still having doubts? Here are some honest reviews from our previously satisfied, happy customers whose homes we did not break into!:

Customer A

“This airline is simply amazing. I booked a flight from Minneapolis to Buffalo. They really went the extra mile (279.48 miles, in fact) and dropped me off at Philadelphia!”

Customer B

“I really recommend LBTCo. Airlines. At first, my flight was delayed for an hour. Then one hour grew into three, which turned into three months! I am very grateful for the extra preparation time they have provided. As of now, I am still waiting at the airport for news of takeoff! (In case anyone is wondering, cardboard tastes a little like dry bread gone bad.)”

Customer C

“This is a very considerate company. The airlines cost so much, I’ll never have to pay taxes again! I quite literally won’t be able to. By the way, is anyone looking for a roommate? Preferably, the room has hiding spots.”

If you have any more questions, our customer service staff are always available and ready to help. To make the process extra simple, be ready to get transferred about 10 times on the phone, each transfer with a wait time of around 2 hours. Too long? Don't worry! You will have the privilege of listening to Taco Bob's personal playlist, "it's raining tacos for 24+ hours", during your wait time. It will be sure to drive you mad, and soon you'll be too busy raving to think about how many hours you've wasted. Our all-new in-built AI voice system, whose favorite line is "sorry, I didn't get that", will also be there to assist you every step of the way!

So what are you waiting for? Book a flight now for your dream vacation with Lemon Biscuit Taco Co. Airlines!

Your safety is our priority.

To illustrate our dedication to your safety, please see our safety guidelines video transcript outlined below!

(Not that you’ll ever need it.)

(I think.)

Safety Guidelines

Welcome to Lemon Biscuit Taco Co. Airlines! We are so glad to have you on board today. We are truly honored you have chosen us for your trip, entirely out of your own free will with no other influence. As you know, your safety is our priority, so we would like to go over our safety and emergency guidelines in detail before we begin our flight. We have planned for every occasion to ensure you and the crew are 100% safe.

Starting with the basics, please keep your seat belt fastened at all times, especially when the seat belt sign is on, and always remain seated during take-off and landing. Of course, there is nothing stopping you from disobeying us, other than the fact that you will go flying straight into the cockpit door. Acceleration is tough.

To fasten your seat belt, insert the metal end into the buckle, and pull the strap to tighten. If your buckle is held together by duct tape, you may need to hold on for dear life. Please do not start a luck manifestation circle in the aisles.

Smoking is prohibited on this plane, including in the lavatory. However, feel free to indulge yourself in the smoke coming from the engines. It starts around 15 hours into the flight.

There are two exits on this plane: one is the door you came in from; the other is to hammer your way out. In case of a power loss, lights will illuminate the aisle to spell out “good luck”. Take a moment to inspect the aircraft and see which walls are the thinnest. Please avoid targeting the windows, as the vortex of air may suck you out and leave you to the abyss.

If cabin pressure changes, oxygen masks will drop down from a compartment above. Please proceed with caution, as we are not sure when we last cleaned those compartments. Remember to adjust your own mask before helping others. Hopefully, you didn’t need this reminder to remember that helping others is a thing.

In case of an emergency landing, please enter brace position by curling into a ball and hoping for the best. Follow all instructions provided by our crew members, whether it be to assume position or to microwave some mac and cheese. Remember, safety of the crew is priority! If you do not fancy being forced to somersault during landing, evacuation in air is always an option. Here’s to hoping you’re into skydiving!

If evacuation occurs on water, this flight provides in-built rafts called “other passengers”. Boarding these rafts may prove difficult, but hopefully you remember enough from Physical Education to succeed. Once evacuated, all passengers are required to swim under the plane in an attempt to keep it afloat until we send help over. Don’t forget to wave goodbye to the rescue boat as it leaves with the aircraft!

Lastly, in any of these emergency scenarios, don’t forget to thank the pilots for the amazing flight.

Now would be a good time to check the safety information card and contact a funeral home for arrangements. Thank you for your undivided attention, and once again, thank you for flying with Lemon Biscuit Taco Co. Airlines. Please sit back, relax, and enjoy your imminent death the flight!